I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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