Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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