I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
