I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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