Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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