next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
