Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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