the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
