rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize