I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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