Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
