I wish my penis had an off switch
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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