I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
