Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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