I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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