Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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