So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
