I didn't shave. On purpose
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
