Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
