Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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