I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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