: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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