6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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