what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
