Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
