I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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