I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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