where am i from again
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
