y did u give ur computer a hand job?
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
