Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
