Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize