I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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