I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Too much gin, very little bucket
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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