there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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