STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
