if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
