He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
