you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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