i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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