Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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