Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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