i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
