After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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