Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
