I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
