He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
