I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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