Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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