i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
