Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
