i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
