i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
