it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
