"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize