I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's never too late to be topless.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
