Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize