you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Green mimosas i think yes
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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