just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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