im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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