we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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