You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
