Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
