Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize