get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
