Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
