I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
