Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
