Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
