that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
