I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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